Good Mourning!

12:32 a.m.
My eyes were wide open. My heart was beating—fast. I hadn’t worked out since 8:30 pm., why was I unable to relax? My mind was just as it normally functions: thousands of subject clouds competing for time to become actual thoughts… But no rest for this woman was in store.


Perhaps if I go to bed, my body will slow down and rest. I forced myself between my mint green floral sheets that felt so crisp and smelled so clean. I slid into the folds and smelled mountain springs and “home” but couldn’t calm myself down. I turned on my bedside iPod player and searched for a soothing song. Yet, my heart was still pounding. Imogen Heap, Coldplay, Elvis Presley, Enya, William Orbit, Feist… None of these artists could quell the pitter-pattering of my heart and many mentions in my mind. I was in active motion but lying completely still.


Then the tossing and turning ensued. Searching and searching for the perfect position to fall asleep in seemed pointless. I would just turn and rotate round and round. I sat up pounded my pillows, adjusted my hair (that I wanted to remain completely flat for once) so it wouldn’t tickle my neck, causing yet another need to move. I sighed heavily and tried to breathe slooooooowly…

1:36 a.m.
Are you kidding me? “SLOW DOWN HEART!” I kept telling myself. It was torture that no one was awake, or home. “WHY AM I STILL AWAKE?” It was almost as if under the influence of a strong narcotic, driving the heart to pump as if it were in a marathon. But it was something else. Something was bothering me.

What could it be? I had just enrolled in the GMAT prep course to ease my mind about a very difficult test. I had my letters of recommendation being sent to me the next day at work. Bills were paid (and on time)! Outfit for tomorrow picked out and hung, complete with accessories on the hanger. No morning meetings. Alarm set. So what could it possibly be?


I tried to hone in on my thoughts: lassoing every one of them to see if they merited my deprivation of sleep. It was that moment, (well actually 2:34 a.m.) that I shut off the iPod and listened to the tune of my thoughts: I was mourning the loss of someone I did not even know yet. How extremely odd.


I subconsciously imagined the person that will enter my life, but hasn’t yet. I felt the loss of their presence when I hadn’t even experienced it. I could only fathom the type of person I would create for myself. Surely not anyone perfect, because that wouldn’t be a right fit.

I imagined a product of all the men I dated (their good qualities that is) and subtracted all of the qualities that didn’t work with "us." I gave him a face, a build and smelled his fresh cologne. This man did not resemble a celebrity. He didn't have a fancy name. Just the man that will lead me, let me lead him, laugh with me, laugh at me, support me, fulfill me, educate me and be my partner in all that we do together. I pictured this man loving my friends for who they are, not lusting after them, adoring my family for their flaws and fancies and most importantly, tossing my dog Ruff the ball over and over per his slobbery request.

I could feel this person was missing. It was palpable. I grabbed my own shoulders, gave myself a hug, let a tear roll and turned over and fell asleep.